In her kiss

with vitamin E

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 02:18:06 GMT

Fuck decatur.

Ahem, let me put that softly.
fuck decatur.

I'm so happy i only have one year left.
I'd been waiting to get out of key for literally EVER.
& when i do, i end up at decatur.

Which dont get me wrong, has helped me so much.
I wouldnt have met alex<3, or allison, or done show choir. Or gotten a real life.
Its just crazy to really think about all the shit thats changed.

I finally got my schedule the way i like it.
& Im in Advanced Composition, which is dual college credit, so hopefully that works out.

I dont know.
I wish I could say I've matured alot, maybe I have.
I wish I could say that I've freaked out about my future. But whenever the topic comes up, I usually just start thinking about something else. Oh well.

I guess im happy. I mean, everything with alex is perfect right now. Despite the fact that my mom pretty much hates him. & i dont know, things are good in my life.
but something feels kinda weird, kinda out of place.
Oh well.
It'll work out.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 21:26:33 GMT

and then we're up in the air again.

.

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 18:36:52 GMT

so im single.
but im not?
i dont know.

everyone tells me to move on but its so much easier said than done.
8 months. & i love him so much.

I couldnt believe that he had only talked to me.
Or that she didnt like him. So i checked his myspace and found many messages that hurt worse.
I admitted to it.
because i wanted to get it out in the open.
all i got was "there's nothing between us".

then when i looked back after i sent the message, i saw the one he sent her about how:
He was "going to try and work this out with abbey because i care about her and dont want to throw that away".

& I felt terrible.
The thing is though, I was the one that was hurt. I had to know.
His mom says he starts to act cocky and shit when he's around his dad, and i guess i saw that last night. It really makes me want to let go.

This isn't something to act cocky about.
Im not going to wait around no matter how much i still love him.
I have a life too.
I want to share it with him
But he's making it so difficult.

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 16:32:00 GMT

I feel bad

because almost every entry about Alex is when we've fought and i was in a bad mood.

I love him so much.

I went from having someone who didnt care, to someone who cares so much.

I dont know how to act when he acts like ...well. Different.

...I just dont want us to end. Especially not because we got too close.

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 19:41:00 GMT

still have a boyfriend. 7 monthssss.

Have a job at Panera Bread.

Flipped my truck a bit back, got a new car (1995 buick) a month or so later.

Its summer.

Im going to be a senior.

Im in the fringe festival later this summer.

ummm.

i think thats it.

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 19:58:11 GMT

P.S.

Tyler You suck.

P.S.S.

Louisiana!

the restaurant scene in RENT isn't so great...

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 14:13:34 GMT

So, 17.

[R-rated movie tiiiime]

P.S. Im never smoking again.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 15:42:17 GMT

I fucking love the chorus of Hot for Teacher

Not necessarily the lyrics, but the notes. the harmonizing.

Fuck me, I love it.

I cant help it.

Im sorry.

p.s. I no longer have a voice. When I sing, I create a waspy breeze one could fall asleep to, maybe?

LashGrip.

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 16:02:02 GMT

I'm tired of arguing so much. not even arguing, just these dumb back-and-forths.

not so much those even, anymore.
now it just seems like tests.

and then I hear, "Im sorry about being an asshole. I've just had alot of things on my mind".
I dont know if he's actually apologizing, or if he's testing me to see if i'll counter with my own apology.

he should know Abbey Brands is stubborn.
but, I guess not.

Navel Sunkist 3107 USA.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 14:29:31 GMT

First choir comp. yesterday.
Yeah, we got nothing due to our large class classification.
We're festival.
We're good enough to beat festival.
We're def. not as large, or choreographed well enough to be in large division.
Maybe if we had music we enjoyed singing, and choreography that was younger,
and not just blades, slides, simple lifts, and lame 20-people ripples.
The shittiest part is that we did better than we've ever done.
But its all our classification. damnit.

At the beginning of last week, I warned Alex about how tired, stressed out, & bitchy I was going to be because of our fisrt contest on saturday.
I dont think he understood.
I've been bitchy to him all week, but everynight whether in person, or in a text, Ive apologized and told him how much I loved him.
Then last night he gets all shitty about me trying to keep him awake so we wont oversleep and i wont get grounded(its happened before,and some guy on our ass while he's driving me home.
I told him how I was sorry, but i didnt want to get grounded, & I knew we would oversleep.
I also told him how dumb it was for him to get angry, and slow down to piss the guy off.

Then I get the sad, distant alex on the other side of the car asking why IM so mean, why I bitch and complain all the time, and why IVE been taking everything out on him.

I had nothing to say
How could I?

I had been apologizing my ass off all week and trying my hardest not to hurt his feelings.
Taking everything out on him?
I've been snapping on my parents, my friends, everyone.

I did nothing a few weeks ago, after his car was fucked because of his accident on kentucky, and his shoulder was dislocated, but comfort him.
He was depressed, bitchy, and always in a bad mood.
But I understood why.
Just how I thought he would understand this week, why I would be stressed out.

He pulled up at my house and continued telling me what I was doing wrong.
I got my keys out of my purse, and got out of the car.
He asked me, "oh, so youre just gunna leave?"
and I said. Yeah, yeah I guess I am.

He stopped me at my door saying, "No you're not just gunna walk away."
I apologized more. But I really had nothing to say.

So I told him i loved him, that I might see him tomorrow, and walked in my house.

feb.11 = first contest

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 12:26:55 GMT

My ass hurts.
My legs hurt
My torso hurts
My face/ eyesss hurt

Mmmm yeah.
thats the Gs.

♥

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 15:15:47 GMT

for the last half of the week and first half of the weekend, i thought hes been mad at me.
ugh..

but, hes not.
I had so much fun at Sammi's on friday, minus some drama.
those are my grrrrrrrllllsss. fo defs.

theres a lot to type about.
but i dont really feel like it.
sad day.
♥

it all happens for a reason.

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 22:37:38 GMT

Showered around 5 or 6.
He came over and opened his birthday presents which consisted of :

Gold Aviators from American Eagle
Braveheart on DVD
The complete Rocky Anthology on DVD
and two hostess cakes with two lit birthday candles

Could Find absolutely nowhere to eat, ended up at faaaabulous smokey bones.
Rave wouldnt let me see hostel, so we bought tickets online and went to showplace 16.

Then on our way back on 465, after the night being perfect, I was leaning on his arm and kissing his face.
He looks down and kisses me as i jokingly say "keep your eyes on the road".
The moment he looks up he sees a car and swerves.
He tries to correct it, and we spin and hit the gaurd rail twice.

My knee hit the door panel hella hard, and the rearview mirror flew off and smacked my forehead.
But we were both fine.
And the car, minus a bent bumper/frame, is still in good shape.

After more of an ordeal explaining to his parents what happened and trying to figure out if it was driveable, they took me home.
When Alex & I stepped in the door he kept asking if i was okay.
I pulled him close, with our foreheads touching and murmered
I love you.
I love you too.
i do...
i do too baby.

Today I went over to see how him and his car were doing. After they got it patched up so to speak, we went out.
We just drove around with the windows down blaring music.
And i knew.
I truly do love this boy.♥

pop goes my love

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 22:45:50 GMT

Ugh.
All day yesterday I was in and out of the bathroom pissing constantly.
&& laying on the bathroom floor.

Then after doubling over in the hall with excruciating pain, I went to the ER.

You know how it is, wear one of those gowns. have some doctor hit your kidneys.
pee in a cup. chill out in methodist.

And my parting gifts were a nifty orange bracelet with my name on it.
And a medicine called CIPROjnsejrnaswjdndsbdsserfghMIN.

Kidneys can kiss my ass.

f'n memo-rayssss

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 20:08:55 GMT

Everytime I listen to Coldplay, i think about their concert at Verizon.
i went with Nick.
and it was amazing.

we toked on the way there, so we, well at least i wasnt really high by the time we got there.
but pleasant. in a pleasant mood.
and we just chilled on the lawn.

Some older married guy kept asking us questions about the band.
and if it was a "hippie" moreso, pothead show.
I just laughed.

the show itself was breathtaking. And thats the only way to describe it.

It took us over an hour to get out of the parking area. which led to more toking. haha.
and then over a half an hour to get home.

and yet, once again, we're not cool.
and probably wont be.
but i miss that guy.

kidneys.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 02:49:40 GMT

Most of my entries are friends only.
mainly because i dont need the world, or certain people to read what i have to say and know me in and out, or possibly get hurt over nothing.

my lips are chapped.
my hair is greasy.
my skin is tan.
my bellys bigger.
my arms are tired.
my eyes are sore.
my ears are close to bleeding.

and all i want is a nap.
and all i want is you.
and all i want is to know its worth it.

I battled so many people at Metropolis today. I felt victorious, I do declare.

Im tired of my past. Im tired of the insecure people that try to control it.
If i didnt like you then, Im not going to now.
If i havent made an effort to talk to you now, I probably never will. kaaay? kaaay.

xxxmas.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 03:02:40 GMT

Bought Alex Hollister shirt & cologne && an American Eagle hoodie.
Roughly $70.
I think Im just going to get him a dvd for his birthday on 1/7.

This should be a gooood christmas.
basically because I actually have someone real.

Have to goto Vincennes for christmas eve. buhhhhhhhh.
Pretty much akwardness between family members we don't talk to,
Yet, we act like we're just a distant family. nice guys, nice.

Im on the phone with him right now. And really. Im happy.

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 18:48:00 GMT

mercy its update time i suppose.

im with alex, and am incredibly happy. Its crazy how it seems its been so much longer.

am liking decatur more.

am liking goldenaires more.

idk, the more people i meet, the happier i get. and theres still a shit load of people i haven't met.
which ultimately means mooooore haaaaappiness.

uhhhh. yep.

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 00:27:56 GMT

Im So Happy.

Finally.

love ridden

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 17:44:12 GMT

Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I'm giving up on you
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 01:01:53 GMT

Dave and I aren't talking anymore.
However, Kellen and I are.
Baseball is screwing up the shows I want to watch.
And I really want to get this week over with.

Making new friends is good.
Catching up with old friends is great.

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 04:06:21 GMT

...and then i bounce back.

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:20:01 GMT

[A is for age:] Buh...…16

[B is for booze of choice:] Mead

[C is for career:] previously Hollywood bar & film works, in a few years = official owner of your face

[D is for your dad's name:] Detlef

[E is for essential items to bring to a party:] friends

[F is for favorite song at the moment:] Defying Gravity- Wicked

[G is for favorite game:] your mom

[H is for hometown:] Indianapolis

[I is for instruments you play:] I played violin for 6 years, clarinet for two weeks, and sang my whole life.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:] grape. always grape

[K is for kids?] buh?!

[L is for living arrangements:] I’m 16, figure it out.

[M is for mum's name:] Kelly

[N is for name of your crush ] “toby” hahaha, besser will get it.

[O is for overnight hospital stays] im pretty retarded sometimes, but we haven’t gotten to physical damage yet.

[P is for phobias:] bugs, seriously. All bugs.

[Q is for quotes you like:] bitches get stitches

[R is for relationship that lasted the longest] 6 months

[S is for sexual preference:] your mom

[T is for time you wake up:] weekdays, 7. weekends, sometime before work.

[U is for underwear:] good to know.

[V is for vegetable you love:] your mom.

[W is for worst habit:] nail biting

[X is for x-rays you've had:] when I had braces, and when I was little.
[Y is for yummy food you make:]

[Z is for zodiac sign:] Pisces

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 05:14:44 GMT

i burnt a small part of my face under my chin at work
i put in my two weeks notice at work.
i hit a truck in the parking lot at work.

now im scared of handling the pizza oven.
scared of being broke.
and scared of tight parking spaces.

the end.

so tired. and bored. and lame.

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 04:39:25 GMT

-I won best actress in theater. i got a sash, and a crazy hat.
-Im in Goldenaires, and out of all the girls that auditioned, im the only one that made it.

-Tyler is a dumb kid who found my journal and is trying to memorize every public entry in it so he can know more about me. "MAC AND ME!!!!"

-I cant feel my legs because i only got two 10 minute (max) breaks tonight at work.
-I really wanna goto yats with jason tomorrow, but seeing how gas prices are what they are, idk how thats going to work out, cause im deffinately not driving up to the east side. i dotn think my car could even make it.
...Poor starla. shes holding on.

-There are too many trucks on the southwest side.
and i wish mars hill didnt exist. like.... it could go straight from about where b.p. and shell is, to about kentucky and harding, just chop mars hill out.

-My white flip flops are now black. but i still love them the same.

-This weeks actually been pretty f'n good. not great. but good.